Hope Deferred

Ah, the circles of life. A few weeks ago, I ended up in a conversation with a friend talking about college dreams and aspirations. We ended up talking about some hopes I'd had in college that haven't really happened. (Or have happened and I haven't recognized them?) It's not necessarily that the hopes won't happen - it's just that they don't seem particularly likely.

I'm left with a few thoughts after the conversation: (Background: I've been thinking about the "Death of a Vision" concept I summarized a year and a half ago.) It's really, really hard for me to hold visions for years. I tend to either want to see them fulfilled Now! (being the patient guy I am) or else deaden my heart to the desire. It's hard to interact with past disappointments in an intelligent proactive way. When I have limited opportunities to make progress toward my dreams, I tend to shy away for fear of additional disappointment. (I'm also tempted to simply demand "Give me! I've earned it.")

Neither approach is how I'd counsel someone else to approach a long term goal, but it's strange how hard it is for me to implement the small steps that I'd give to someone else. It's hard to even seriously pray for them. As Solomon wrote, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick."

The struggle with renewed disappointments makes me think about how tenaciously people cling to certain ideas:

• "He loves me" even when everyone else sees how poor the relationship is.
• "She must be the one" when dating for the first time in five years and rapidly approaching the age of 30.
• Convincing older people to go to Jesus after they've been disappointed by church time after time.
• And so on

It's hard to expect others to live what one can't live oneself.

Blank Sheet Creativity

I was walking through Michael's with my girlfriend looking for something (sand timers?) and I a realization:

I'm lousy at blank creativity.

I've always envisioned creativity as a process akin to being locked in a small white room, given a sheet of blank paper, and being told "Invent a new mouse trap."

Other topics that come along those lines:

• How are you feeling?
• Name a date activity for Friday night.
• Create a new board game idea.
• Figure out how to make church more innovative.
• Illustrate a theological principle from real life.
• Find a compelling (to me) blog idea.
• Layout an ideal living room furniture arrangement.

I'm realizing that I'm not very good at any of those activities while sitting at a computer or a piece of paper. Most of my ideas come from borrowing and modifying what I see around me:

• Most of my blog ideas come from being somewhere (outside walking, in a store, talking with a friend), not from being on my computer.
• I mostly come up with illustrations when I have a theological concept in mind and am living out life - something happens, and I think "Oh, that's a good illustration." It's really hard, though, for me to look back through my life for good illustrations.
• Many of my date ideas are borrowed and modified (or occasionally just downright copied) from other people's activities and suggestions.
• Walking around Art Van or Home Depot is one of the best ways for me to get ideas about home decorating. It's not exactly that I want my home to have what is there, but it gets me thinking about what is possible.

(And yes, I'm even much better at the the emotion question when I have a specific context: e.g. How are you feeling about waking up to sunlight?)

I suspect the only weird part of this realization is that I'm just now figuring out what tends to stimulate my creative thinking. But it's still weird to me.