A More Wretched Hive of Scum And Villainy

Okay, so for the third "I'm an idiot" saga: I've been having headaches lately - usually the type of headaches I get from caffeine withdrawal when I go and get myself addicted. But I haven't been able to figure out what's been triggering the headaches. Today I realized that Diet Lime Pepsi still has caffeine it. Duh. Drinking the diet version doesn't solve the issue of getting addicted. And as I've been semi-consistent in drinking the diet stuff. Probably enough for me to get a habit. Duh.

I wonder how often I change habits without really addressing a key issue. Healthy is good, but if I'm still feeding my addiction, that's probably not good. Well, in general. Maybe a caffeine addiction isn't bad. Certainly better than a chocolate addiction.

Speaking of issues, lately I've been thinking about wretchedness. More specifically, why did Christ die for you? I don't mean the flowery religious language. I mean, who are you that needs to be denied every day? How do you tend to destroy the people around you?

I'm realizing that I like to put the best foot forward. If I can, I structure my destructive habits to be "humorous quirks" - like blogging. If I can't structure my habit, I structure my environment to hide the habit. Do I tend to be overly critical of leadership? Well, make sure that I'm either in charge or not around. Am I judgmental about gray areas? I learn to keep my mouth shut. Then I pray really, really hard that God won't reveal the habits I can't structure and can't prevent.

Jesus fascinates me because he was tempted in every way, yet without sin. Every trial I face - every way I'm tempted to hurt others - he's felt the same temptation, though perhaps in a different setting. Here's my theory of the night: Nice people who successfully control and hide their destructive habits are really boring because we don't relate to them. They may have cool gadgets, cool hobbies, or cool blogs, but when it comes down to actually knowing them, we don't find much to connect with. I wonder how often other people say that about me. (And if you can't say something nice ...)

I like how Larry Crabb talks about wretchedness in The Safest Place on Earth.

Unless we have some understanding, however, of the "great principle of wretchedness" and can see it in ourselves, we will not be impressed by its opposite. The lives of folks like the three I've mentioned previously will not seem so miraculous. And we'll not seek after greatness as a poor man would seek gold. We'll not desire it above all else, nor chase after its source with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength.

Wretchedness - our own wretchedness - must be recognized before true greatness can be properly defined and passionately desired. And it must be recognized not only as a past reality that only memory keeps in view, but also as a present reality that, in all honesty, we must continue to acknowledge.

As I begin to write about what is wrong with us, a thousand pieces of evidence come to mind telling me that whatever is wrong spoils, or at least stains, community. That is its primary effect. Until we have identified a deep, stubborn complex of internal forces whose main effect is to destroy relationships, we have not diagnosed the core problem in human beings. We must see this complex as so hopelessly corrupt that it can only be abandoned and replaced, never repaired. And until we realize that the replacement must come from outside resources, we have not understood the severity of the problem. Whatever is wrong with us makes spiritual community impossible.