I Will Not Conform...Well, Okay

So most of my friends' blogs have been posting Johari windows, which are a personality test of sorts. What both really cool - and a bit scary - is that you (and all your friends) get to see what traits they put for someone. The Johari window is mostly positive, while Nohari is weakness based. The rash of postings has me thinking about the importance of feedback, and the manner I prefer to receive it. Humor value for today is the three quotes at the end, for those of you who know me.

Here's a few thoughts:
- The encouragement aspect of the Johari windows is neat. It's a nice way for a person to see what others most appreciate about them. It's perhaps a little sad we need to have blogs for people to get constant encouragement in these areas, though.
- The Nohari windows really gave me problems, usually because I wanted to express a much more complicated thought than a one or two word weakness. Perhaps this is because I generally see genuine weakness as primary character-based, not personality-based. And I don't like giving - or receiving - character criticism in public.
- Sometimes, it is hard to give feedback based on pre-existing categories. There were several windows where I was looking for words that weren't there.
- Some criticisms (and strengths) I would much rather approach in private. Do I really want to pick 'arrogant' for someone and either look the idiot for being the only one to put that, or else start a whole new train of negative thought toward the person? Partly I think this is because there are "safe" negatives - such as 'insecure', and unsafe ones - "cruel".
- I really like to know why a person picks the words they do for me.

Here's what I've been thinking about in the bigger picture:
Words are a vital component of communication. While we have cliches like "A picture is worth a thousand words" and "Actions speak louder than words," it is also true that reckless words pierce like swords while wise words bring healing.

A friend recently asked me if I meant a comment as a subtle hint about how I wanted his behavior to change: He reminded me of the problem of subtlety: It is easily missed, or misunderstood, and difficult to verify that the recipient understood the message. Action and subtlety have their strengths, but clear interpretation is often not one of them.

For everyone's amusement, I have extracted a few choice quotes regarding Johari windows and how people give/receive feedback....

The Unknown Window - The Turtle...suggests a person who characteristically participates by observing. If you are in this window, you do not know much about yourself, nor does the group know much about you. You may be the silent member in the group who neither gives nor asks for feedback. Group members find it difficult to know where you stand in the group or where they stand with you. You are the mystery person. You appear to have a shell around you, insulating you from other group members. If group members confront you about your lack of participation, you may respond with, "I learn more by listening." While you may find it painful to participate actively, you will learn considerably more than you would if you choose to participate passively. Your shell keeps people from getting in and you from getting out. You will expend a considerable amount of energy maintaining a closed system because of the pressure which group norms exert on your behavior.

The Blind Spot Window - Bull-in-the-China Shop...suggests a person who characteristically participates primarily by giving feedback but soliciting very little. If you are in this window, you tell the group what you think of them, how you feel about what is going on in the group, and where you stand on group issues. You may lash out at group members or criticize the group as a whole and view your actions as being open and above board. For some reason, you either appear to be insensitive to the feedback you get or do not hear what group members tell you. Either you may be a poor listener or you may respond to feedback in such a way that group members are reluctant to continue to give you feedback. Members get angry, cry, threaten to leave. As a consequence, you do not know how you are coming across to other people or what impact you have on others. Because you do not correct your actions when you receive group feedback, you appear out of touch, evasive, or distorted. You continue to behave ineffectively because of your one-way communication (from you to others). Since you are insensitive to the groupÂ’s steering function, you do not know what behaviors to change.

The Large Facade Window - The Interviewer...suggests a person who characteristically participates by asking questions but not giving information or feedback. If you are in this window, the size of your Facade relates to the amount of information you provide to others. You may respond to the group norm to maintain a reasonable level of participation by asking for information. You intervene by asking questions such as: "What do you think about this?" "How would you have acted if you were in my shoes?" "How do you feel about what I just said?" "What is your opinion of the group?" You want to know where other people stand before you commit yourself. You do not commit yourself to the group, making it difficult for them to know where you stand on issues. At some point in your group's history, other members may have confronted you with a statement similar to this one: "Hey, you are always asking me how I feel about what's going on, but you never tell me how you feel." This style, characterized as the Interviewer, may eventually evoke reactions of irritation, distrust, and withholding.