Only If They Aren't After You...

...is it paranoia.

A friend recently posted this audio clip regarding the perils of sexual (or other serious) sin as a Christian leader. (See this audio clip for context.)

For those of you who skip over the audio message, the context is a pastor I respect talking about his fear of being disqualified as a pastor. The main clip is the story of a pastor ("Frank") who resigned due to an affair he had. It some of his reflections on what happened.

I have a real mixed reaction to the clip. On the one hand, I share Noel's fear of disqualification: To watch one's life dreams be destroyed is a frightening, frightening thought. I can't imagine the shame and misery of going through what Frank went through.

On the other hand, I don't know how to take the concluding warning seriously without becoming paranoid. (The warning was about dealing with anything in one's private life that could destroy one.) I find the theme of "I was responsible, yet I wasn't aware of underlying issues (e.g. bipolar disorder, love addiction)" a scary phrasing. Not that I disagree with the sentiment, but the thought of numerous submerged torpedoes just waiting to sink my life isn't encouraging. Nor is the idea of not one big mistake, but a hundred little ones. A hundred little mistakes that might cumulatively wreck my life? I make that many mistakes in a day.

Major lifelong struggles that could destroy me? Check, got several of those. Mental disorders? Yep, all set there. Difficulty handling stress well? Wait, that wasn't a mental disorder? Secret addictions unknown to me? Who knows? A less than ideal accountability and support system? Check.

Two thoughts here cross my mind:

What does it mean to have a healthy awareness of sin's allure but not be paralyzed by fear or paranoid?

For example, my less than perfect accountability / support system. I've numerous sermons about the importance of fellowship, encouragement, and sharing; all very good teachings. They end with this little line about "going out and finding some like-minded guys."

And then the snags start coming. In the sermon, one can freely outline the ideal. In real life, implementation is a big sticky mess. Meeting people. Schedule conflicts. Personality clashes. Lack of interest. Life busyness. And then there are so many topics to talk about: Sexual purity, treatment of significant other, financial habits, integrity, interacting with parents, devotional habits, etc., etc. Inevitably, the system could be better. And in so far as I can easily make it better, I should do so. But the perfectionist in me tends to think that if any improvement can be made, I should go to heroic efforts to make it happen. The lazy part of me says "Meh, what I have is good enough. Why rock the boat?" And I want to know what is between paranoia and laziness.

What does it mean that God won't let me be tempted beyond what I can bear?

I don't have as many thoughts on this, other than the question. How do sub-conscious habits interact with God's shepherding of us? If they are so destructive, won't God make me aware of them? And can't he make me aware of them without having my entire life destroyed?

(And yes, I know I have not blogged in forever. I've been short on inspiration, which is probably due to stress, which interferes with the creative juices.)