A rebuke impresses a man of discernment...

more than a hundred lashes a fool

No image this week. The Passion of the Christ is a fine movie for illustrating what a hundred lashes can do to someone for those who truly want a picture.

I've been thinking a lot this week about a quote I read from an author I really like (but can't recall which one). The essence of the quote was something like this:

In significant relational transgression (e.g. when one person wrongs another), there is often a necessary period of silence between the two, a period of distance, for the offender to realize the magnitude of the offense. Then, and only then, true reconciliation begin.

I have not captured the thought perfectly, and I don't entirely agree with it as I've put it. But there's more there than I'd like to admit.

Silence verses Condemnation

I find that silence and distance is related to the magnitude of the offense. A friend once lamented to me that often when he brought up pet peeves with certain people, they were overcome with guilt. He was like "Dude, I just want them to wash their hands after playing with the cat before they cook me dinner...not send them into a month long guilt depression." On the other hand, I've been around people who could horribly slander someone, then when confronted shrug it off and be shocked when the other person didn't immediately offer reconciliation.

Realization verses Vindictiveness

A while ago I hurt a friend (Frank). We talked about it, reconciled, and life was good. But Frank had a bad habit of bringing up the offense at the most inopportune moments to tease me. And of course I had no defense - I was in the wrong to begin with, and I could hardly start claiming to be in the right now - leaving Frank free to rub salt in the wound as often as he wish. To be fair, Frank didn't intend to be vindictive, he was merely a bit dense about the consequences of his words. We ended up having another conversation about thoughtful words.

I think there is a line of varying clarity between helping people realize significant wrongs they've committed against us and using those wrongs as assaults against them. Rarely do I think that open and genuine fellowship comes after significant offense without some realization by the offender about what he's done. (And yes, generally all parties involved have made significant contributions.) Some offenses need to simply be let go (your friend forgot to say thank you once in a hundred times...?), and even those that don't require a non-vindictive approach. Broadcasting the offense from the church pulpit (or the blog) doesn't count.