Power (Round II)

Everywhere else, throughout society, there are fences, walls, burglar alarms, unlisted numbers, the most elaborate precautions for keeping people at a safe distance. But in marriage all of that is reversed. In marriage the walls are down, and not only do the man and woman live under the same roof, but they sleep under the same covers. Their lives are wide open, and as each studies the life of the other and attempts to make some response to it, there are no set procedures to follow, no formalities to stand on. A man and a woman face each other across the breakfast table, and somehow through a haze of crumbs and curlers and mortage payments they must encounter one another. That is the whole purpose and mandate of marriage. All sorts of other purposes have been dreamed up and millions of excuses invented for avoiding this central and indispensable task. But the fact is that marriage is grounded in nothing else but the pure wild grappling of soul with soul, no holds barred. There is no rulebook for this, no law to invoke, except the law of love.

So while marriage may present the appearance of being a highly structured, formalized, and tradition-bound institution, in fact it is the most free and raw and unpredictable of all human associations. It is the outer space of society, the wild frontier. The Mystery of Marriage by Mike Mason

I did some reading over break, and came across this quote in another book. Something by Chuck Swindoll, I think. I haven't read Mike's book, and I'm not entirely I liked the Swindoll book. It was an interesting read, but I felt like he summarized his understanding of some rather important marriage issues rather than fully explaining himself.

The Mike quote fascinated me. It caught something about the vulnerability of marriage and, to a lesser extent, of friendship in general; how often our lives are primarily defined by attempts to protect ourselves.

I'll restrain myself from offering many thoughts on marriage, but the quote got me thinking about friendship: Friendship does not work well when our goal is to defend ourselves : Defense prevents closeness.. I also don't think friendship works well when we fail to grapple with the serious failings of others : Denial also prevents genuine closeness.

I find that I'm not very good at loving others when I switch to defense - when I view them as the enemy who needs to be kept out. (I should have some witty story to share here to illustrate the point, but none seem appropriate.) But being boldly caring, being willing for our weaknesses to be exposed while speaking insightfully without demeaning isn't a small trick.

(Don't get me wrong, I think healthy boundaries - relational and otherwise - are an important and often overlooked aspect of life. But when the motivation for boundaries is protection, not love, I start to worry. And yes, sometimes love and protection go hand in hand. Very complicated. I'd better get it figured out before I become a professional counselor, eh?)