Top Down or Bottom Up?

Why are we hospitable? For some of us, it is because we're desperately lonely and having others around makes us feel better. Sometimes, we're trained like Pavlov's dog to feel guilty about anyone feeling unwelcome.

I've had two notable conversations recently. Well, more than that, but two apply here. The first dealt with whether or not we take seriously what we read online. Do we actually change our views as a result of what is written?

The second dealt with hospitality and how often people seem set in their social circles, uninterested in helping others become friends. My freshman year, all the students were dumped in a foreign setting in a dorm and people were naturally looking for friends. But as time went on, people made their friends. And their sophomore year they weren't nearly as friendly. And by their junior year, they were just about set. Now they lost friends here and there - drop outs, big fights, breakups, and the like, but they still had a core. And by their senior year, they had a few friends and were looking to get out.

While I think what we read online can change our views (I am blogging, after all), I think it's influence is directly related to our respect for the author, how much we already agree with it, and, to a lesser extent, how persuasively written a piece is. I do think we change our views when strangers present their case well. But I think it is rare.

In contrast, I think we take input from those we know well and respect much more seriously. But one of the primary ways we learn about people enough to know whether or not we respect them is through spending time with them. And that requires that someone to be hospitable. Either I need to invite this respectable person to know me, or he needs to invite me to know him.

There are two good types of hospitality that come to mind. The first is a specific "I know Kim, I value Kim, I want good specifically for Kim." type. It's when we know someone and care about them. We like them, we empathize with them, and so we try and do good to them. I think of Paul when he wrote of the Thessalonians "We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us." Paul individually knew these people, and delighted in sharing his life and the gospel with them.

But this type of love/hospitality doesn't lead us to welcome strangers into our circles, to seek people out. It merely cares for those we already know. And this is very good. But there's a second type of love/hospitality, the kind that led Paul to Thessalonica in the first place. When Paul set out on his missionary trip, he didn't know specific people in the cities he ended up. But he knew the situation of people in general and this love led him to go and meet people. It's a healthy hospitality based not on guilt or loneliness, but based on love.

So I've been thinking a lot about how hospitality is a essential ingredient (or condition, for you math majors) to influence. Other ingredients are required too (it's not a necessary condition), but my appreciation for genuine hospitality and the role it plays in influence has been growing a great deal over the last few days.

(And yes, I know this post is written in sweeping generalities. It's not intended to be a comprehensive thesis on communication, influence, and persuasion.)

(Oh, and why Kim? Because I actually don't know any Kim's at the moment so it's a great neutral name.)

(Oh, and yes, I've been thinking that the "Repent or Perish" line from a recent post could use a lot more expansion. But that will be some other post, me thinks.)